> a faded notebook lies on a desk...

23-2-17 - 11:22 PM

song of the day: Hollywood Baby - 100 gecs

hiya . wow. it's been a moment! whats up!! i have been.. doing a lot. i've been trying to be a person for the last, month, and kind of just ran out of energy to even check this place. or to update, at all. school has been tiring, life has been tiring, i'm struggling with a lot-- hitting all the marks right now!

however some good stuff has happened. i got tickets to see a few artists, SAW slaughter beach, dog in concerts, hung out with friends.. all of that was great and i wouldn't trade it for anything. the bits that suck the most, the depression and shit, have made it a lot harder to be motivated recently. it's one of those times when i wish therapy worked better for me. i have such a hard time explaining myself and conveying my emotions, it makes me want to cry. all the time. today was one of those days-- after months without any sort of anger or meltdown i just.. fucking snapped. and i'm upset at myself but it also exhausted me. i'm glad i have time off coming up. i'm glad i'm meeting with my therapist soon. this anger stuff has been an issue for years now and i need to get a handle on it. arg! it sucks to be so overwhelmed all of the time.

not exactly lighter but.. a on a different note, i hope valentines was nice for everyone! i do celebrate even though i'm single atm, i made some stuff for my friends and we hung out and it was nice. i wouldn't forget it for the world, either. i love love, and thinking about it, and loving!! its nice to have a day to appreciate everything. obviously emotions are weird and feelings are weird and i wasn't going to do anything for the day that was romantically inclined, but i rather enjoyed just.. thinking about it haha. especially as i work on myself and realize what i want and what i can do and everything.

it's been kind of a crazy time and im sorry this is all so vague i'm rather tired! i shall speak into the void once again later :o3

-- sillydog

(12:12 AM, 23-2-18) PS: hi. i'm .. adding an AN. i'm not .. doing well right now. at all. i'm scared and sad and feel genuinely the worst ive ever been. i need to take some time away, and i'll update a bit but none of the updates will be long. i want to heal and move on and feel better. i want to find something again. i'm really really trying to be normal again. it's so hard to be a person, is all.

if i take a few more months away, i'm not dead. just really really tired.

23-1-12 - 8:58 PM

song of the day: New Religion - Specimen

holy shit its been a minute! and it's the new year! happy 2023!

i'm having kind of a weird moment about all this... it's been so long since so many important things for me were made!! which is great, but just, crazy. I can't believe i've loved some things this long. it's also been 3 years since the pandemic really started for me (in america) and i'm really grateful. not for the tragedy of covid, or any of the stress i got, but because i don't know who i'd be if i hadn't met a lot of my closest friends and been through everything i had been with them. anyways onto more rant-y topics i don't have a lot more to say on this lol

there's just been a lot going on right now and i'm tired and frusterated. rejection sensitivity flares up a lot and even if i remind myself that what i think isn't always real i'm pretty much always telling myself that people hate me. i fear i'm getting shy again, and while it's not bad to be shy, that means i'll retreat more than i already do and stop talking to people i actually care about or love. i don't want to do that so hopefully i can get this under control. therapy is helping but not as much as i'd want.. i'm slow to trust and it's been a big sign of that. i've also been making a lot of somewhat sad realiziations recently and thats causing me to understand that whatever life goals i envisioned for myself was not something i think i can actually do, which really really sucks. especially right now. being young means everything sucks all the time but because of so many reasons it doesn't feel like i'm being serious.. ever.

i am so tired. already!! of people being weird irl and online and the stress from that is already putting a damper on my month. i'm not too sure what it is but i think coming back from a winter break made everyone so starved for human interaction they forgot to be normal (/lh). if you ARE my irl and you are reading this it's most likely not about you, but i'm pretty upset with the school right now and a lot of the shit theyve been doing. previously i felt respected as a student and nothing super crazy happens but it definitely feels like i'm being dismissed kind of, which is sucky and i really hate being mad about such petty things >_< .

on a lighter note (this is allll over the place haha) i have been doing a number of fun activities right now! playing SO much hades and ace attorney and making art and writing and listening to new music. its been great so far, i still have projects i have to finish but i'm glad i don't feel as stuck as i did. i'm also hopefully starting a new ttrpg campaign soon, and ive planned out a ton about my character- it's great to be invested in ocs again. i haven't had this much fun with that since ..middle school, maybe? and this character will be really fun for me to play- i get to actually learn how spells work and everything lol!! for reference they are a changeling witch and theyre doing cool quests for gods.

i hope you have a good night and an exciting friday :)

-- sillydog

22-12-24 - 10:16 PM

song of the day: Romance - My Chemical Romance

IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE! i am overjoyed. i love christmas soo much! happy hanukkah and whatever else you may celebrate, too!! this is a really fun time for me and i am writing this as fast as possible so i can go spend some time with my family and also draw a bunch.

i have been playing SOO much hades recently- SPOILERS AHEAD!!! i've finished both thanatos' and megaera's routes. it's incredibly fun and i can't get enough. thanatos specifically was really fun for me, his and zag's dialoge was so exciting and made me so so happy!!! i love playing a game that is really fun in the first place and then also getting genuinely well written romance alongside the gameplay. with meg's route, it kind of felt a lot less built up, but also i had spent a good chunk of time about a year ago working on her stuff and i did than's all in a few days.

i hope that everyone has a good new years, too! i have a few resolutions- getting back into working out and learning to drive.. along with a secret one i don't want to share here. resolutions don't really work for me but i enjoy making them because i do end up accomplishing at least 1 thing i wanted to do over the course of a year. that reminds me- i've been thinking a lot about the spoon theory, and how i can't do as much as i'd like because i'm constantly overexerting myself, and it's reminding me to take time to rest a lot more. i only have so much to give every day, or week, or year, even- and i should spend time for myself! sometimes simple stuff that only takes 5 minutes never gets done because i have too much on my plate at once and when i am free i need to rest.

have a good christmas :)

-- sillydog

22-12-20 - 12:29 PM

song of the day: Nyan Cat Theme - Nyan Cat (??)

it has been a while. i am very tired! and i need to work on the site, i know, i'vejust been tired as shit. i'm on break right now and because christmas and new years are coming up ive been doing a lot less and kind of have just felt sluggish. anyways! hopefully thats turning around as of today, im going out in a bit and currently working on doing stuff to get my learners permit. finally! freedom in the form of driving!

ALSO ALSO ALSO i went to the machine girl show last night!! holy SHIT oh my GOD it was so fucking sick. i was really sweaty and tired by the end of it and i slept for 11 hours but oh my god. i would do that again. i never really go to shows like that and thank fuck i had earplugs but oh my god. i loved it. i can't wait to go to more shows in the next year! i already have one planned for january and a few that miiiight happen. i am so so so excited though. it was just fucking electric, the whole thing.

i.. honestly don't have a lot to talk about right now. hopefully ill get back into coding soon enough and finish my about me section, but otherwise.. toodles! have a great day yall :3

-- sillydog

22-12-11 - 12:40 AM

song of the day: Baby You're a Haunted House - Gerard Way

wow ok another entry so soon! anyways today was . not very exciting. i finished my exams for my classes and now i have a break for 3 whole weeks! yippee! i spent all of today playing games (splatoon, roblox w friends, wizard101) and ended up buying a new one (red dead redemption 2). turns out its easy to get me to do stuff when im playing games w friends, i dont really drop 20 dollars on smth that fast LOL. anyways. its been chill! very fun. and i have tomorrow to do whatever, too.

my main concerns of today have come from some of my "chronically single" self. i was playing games w friends that happen to be dating and while that is very cool i am also feeling rather sad (not their fault at all !!!) i talked about this yesterday but you know it is late again and i am tired. to be honest, i don't think i would actually really benefit from another relationship, i just want that kind of close friend again, who considers me to be closer than anyone else and who doesn't mind some affection. in some ways i think me and him would have been better as friends long term, but also crushes and everything makes that hard. its weird.. i do wish i could move on from this LOL. i am trying! idk. i just need someone to be silly with !!!! RAHHHH!! a queerplatonic relationship would be kind of cool.

i also drew recently!! a bit today, i tried out my wacom tablet again, and then also a bit of sketching on my ipad (that didnt get far) and im excited! im going to draw more tomorrow and make some stuff for my friends.. its getting close to christmas haha. speaking of which, i am too tired tonight but i think i will winter-fiy the site! at least the home page. my about page is going under construction soon and then it will be back up better... anyways. have a good night :)!!!

-- inspired silly dog

22-12-10 - 1:33 AM

song of the day: fantastic bastards - Death Spells

now i dont really ever get too mad at stuff but these last few days have had me really riled up. i spent some time arguing with people about stuff and it's really drained me .. i've been way more tired recently, which is saying a lot since i am almost always constantly tired. however i meet with my therapist next week and im ready.. i keep putting off talking to her about misdiagnosis stuff. its scary, given that my home is not private and i do not want to have this conversation with people who can hear me only a few floors away. i've also been in the middle of some annoying art block.. alas! i will do more than complain today LOL.

i was trying to draw some lovey-dovey stuff recently.. i really enjoy drawing cute scenes between ocs or fandom ships but nothing has been sticking. i don't miss my relationship but i do miss some parts of it. it's weird whenever i have a crush and i cannot move on from them.. im ready for this one to be gone, it's ridiculous. keeping this vague on purpose, i know im the only person reading these really but its not something id share anyways.. romance is a weird topic for me. i love the concept, i love feeling romantic attraction but god i hate physical attraction. it gets so uncomfortable so fast, i need a relationship with only a little amount. i don't think i could ever date an allo person. not that that's a goal LOL. just, i can't understand constantly wanting to TOUCH other people. i just want to sit close. maybe touch a little. i don't know, this stuff is hard and it's been making my brain feel foggy.

on a slight note.. i think i feel jealous. i know 2 different couples right now, not counting all my irl friends. a few of them are younger than me. it's kind of frustrating for me to feel like i fucked up. but i still look back at what i wrote adn how i felt and i'm glad i'm not part of that anymore. i just wish i didn't give up trying to make things better, months later, just because for a second i thought i had a chance w someone else.. it was scummy of me. hi if you read this and it's about you in any sense please.. reach out to me. i want to apologize.. you won't see this though. which i am glad about, i am making a fool out of myself. this is why you do not write journal entries at 1:30 am!

-- silly dog who forgot to do this last week

22-12-5 - 8:40 PM

song of the day: Clusterhug - IDKHOW

oh my god all of my sotd are gonna end up being the garden or mcr TT__TT LOL !! switching it up today tho :3

today has been... a lot, mentally. i never really shut down from sensory overload but today was not my day! it was really scary to suddenly feel myself stop moving and only being able to sit and kind of just look around and try not to cry. it was like looking at everything through a screen-- there was just so much noise and movement and smells and bright lights. there was also no good way to stop myself from shutting down since i couldn't leave the room and we only had 30 minutes left in the day.. it was the longest 30 minutes though gawd X__X!!! im going to never go back to school actually (joke). i've been struggling a lot recently and it's really.. strange for me. i never think of myself as someone who needs accomodations for everyday life but i'm starting to be more and more aware of how much i actually need help with stuff that i percieve as being "simple"- like housework and school work and remembering to eat and being aware of my environment. it's scaring me a good amount as i always have thought of myself as a very independant person but i'm beginning to doubt if i'll be able to live alone without a lot of trouble. this will be hanging around in my mind for a bit, i'm sure.

i reread some stuff from my psychological appointment with one of my friend too, and it really gave me some insight. a lot of my social issues were dismissed as being FROM anxiety rather than the anxiety coming from the lack of recognition. adhd was also cited as a reason, because i am "too inattentive to look at people" which is not the case- eye contact is very uncomfortable for me. what's even weirder is i specifically requested a test to test facial recognition and tone, and i did not perform well, despite paying attention so ... why would the adhd be the reason? i definitely do get distracted but that is not my main reason for these issues. well! another thing to bring up w my therapist next week.

despite the unfortunate afternoon i had a nice day and was able to work on some art which is always very cool!! art tab incoming for sure :o3 i'll make like.. a gallery with a lot of stuff in it. i want my home to also feel like an art gallery- i have a lot of prints and i always need more! sorry today was so negative, i collapsed after getting home today and since i don't have therapy this week i need to talk somewhere.

-- sillydog

22-12-4 - 5:28 PM

song of the day: LAX to O'Hare - The Academy Is...

wow hi ^_^ its been a few days! i barely have done anything but i'm feeling very icky. i did not get to bed until 5 am last night (i was working on the site and did not realise what time it was qwq) which is not very normal or healthy for me considering i have to be awake normally at 7! hopefully tonight i will sleep earlier though :o) im not very excited to go back to school, the weekend is always nice and i like being out with my friends and sleeping in.. oh well!! break is soon and then i will have a lot of time to work on projects ..

ive been feeling Extra Excited because i found one of the mcr merch items i had misplaced!! i'll get a photo of it soon enough to display on the shrine, and i also plan to update all of those images with better quality photos and white backgrounds or something. i will also probably write a whole thing on the killjoys at some point because i constantly have those little fuckers running around in my head... i also ordered a necklace that is very cheesy but that i'm kind of excited to receive (its just a pendent with gerard in it). i think it's kind of fun to be so into things, i often get mad at myself for being "extra" about stuff most people don't feel super strongly about but that always makes me feel really bad so i am working to change my mindset towards myself and my interests. i think it's really interesting how much people don't like when others are SUPER into one or two things, and how often afab people are called silly for having nonconventional interests. being a furry in middle school made me the target of a lot of harassment and it's always reflected back on me in a not-so-good way so.. here's to working against that!

reading this back, it's kind of hard to understand but i hope i got my point across well. i'm too tired to edit this right now qwq... i'm in good spirits today so i don't have much to yell about.. oh! i did aquire a secondhand copy of silence of the lambs by thomas harris today so i can finally read that over break!!!

-- sillydog

22-11-30 - 4:57 PM

song of the day: Heaven Help Us - My Chemical Romance

hello gamers.. its been a day! ive been super tired lately and today did not help me qwq. i don't want to vent here too much but i need to talk about stuff so i might as well. i was ignored today by one of my friends-- this doesn't happen, ever really, we've spoken every day since we first became friends. They didn't talk to me, or even say hello, even when i sat with them and the rest of our group. im not sure why, and it's really getting me down. i got mad at them yesterday for some stupid stuff but i apologized after, we've fought before so idk why they just completely ignored me. today really sucked though, since no one else spoke to me either and my best friend was out.

however!! a few good things. spotify wrapped got released today- as expected, my chem is my #1!! i have listened to so much this year too... a lot of my top songs were ones i like to sleep with haha. also, a zine i bought (the venom zine found here) sent out the digital editions last night and i got to see it today and i am blown away!! so many talented artists, im so excited to recieve my physical copy and the other stuff i ordered. i love mcr so much, i looped their music all day today despite feeling so bad. i hope next year i have even more hours for them- 11 days worth of minutes is not enough X3

even though today sucked, im hoping the rest of my week will go ok. i have plans to hang out with a friend this friday and december starts tomorrow! i love the christmas season, totally gonna put some christmas-y touches on the site (if i have time ofc). i hope you've all had a good week so far :)!!

-- sillydog with a christmas hat

2022-11-27 - 6:00 PM

song of the day: Banana Peel - The Garden

Wow ok.. got this set up today aha. man im not even too sure what to talk abt since there is just a lot x_X anyways. im super happy to be working on this again.. ive been super burnt out from art so. while i sick i had NOTHING to do since everything i draw makes me very very frusturated right now.. im hoping in the future.... i think i'll also work on redoing the css from here today, just to make it a bit brighter all around :)

it's the end of my break week so back to school tomorrow, i am not excited >__< school is fine i am just not enthused! i also need to go shopping which is very very stressful... ive also been supposed to be working on a math course this week but i could not get myself to start it! math is not my strong suit and its not been a fun time trying to get back in2 it.

ahh! also! christmas is soon(ish) XP!! i have to plan what im giving my friends-- i think people online will only get some art, i am wayyy too broke.. my irls might get some candy or trinkets, we'll see what i can find... im super excited tho bc now im over being sick i can enjoy the cooler weather!! sweaters and socks and hats every day yippee!!

ahg i can't think of much else to say today.. have a good evening yall :)

-- sillydog